Not like this
by Jennifer Jolie
Summary: CHAPTER THREE! Trinity's recollections as the remaining crew members mourn the deaths of their pseudo-family, most of which I am making up. Will include each's journey to the Oracle, Matrix/Zion life, etc. Hopefully better than my other fic.
1. Prologue

**Author's blah blah de blah**: Yes, I know I totally screwed up the other fic and that I should be writing that one now but heck, didn't feel like it. This wacko idea came to me when I was dicing onions today. Don't ask why. I get scads and scads of weird ideas when I chop onions. This is gonna be a LOT of reminisces put together, almost all of which I am basically making up for entertainment purposes – The Wachowskis own The Matrix (they rule!) 

I plan to do the characters one by one, it chapters. One chapter, one character. They're all from Trinity's viewpoint. Can't help it. I love Trinity. (non slash, duh)

Contains some swearing I would never have used in real life. Do not use thy Lord's name in vain.

~*~

Not like this 

Zion's not all it's cracked up to be, you know. It's got real food, real drugs, real flushing toilets, real buildings and all. Yet you can walk through the whole damned city and realize one thing: It hasn't got real _people_.

Those plugless sods just strut around their little city which is mammoth-sized compared to their narrow little minds. They don't give a shit to the fact that there's an actual war going on all around them now, do they? Oh no. I couldn't possibly care about you filthy soldiers. And please, wipe your feet before you make contact with our sidewalks.

The fact that we get meals every time we arrive – about the same stuff as the snot on board, only solid - is only due to the other fact we actually pay for them. Zionists get free meals three times a day at soup kitchens that put ours to shame. The nicest thing they've ever done for us is put aside a little plot of land on the edge of the city for us – for our burial. Ironic. Even then we have to share. Phooey. Still, it's not a bad place – we get a small pond, with actual fish in it, a couple of trees and some benches. The crowning glory is the weeping willow over the pond – grieving with more grace than the best of us. It's a good place for reflection.

This is where I am right now – on the only bench underneath that old, crying tree. I can feel Neo's arm someplace around me, comforting. My head is resting on his shoulder. We've been silent for the past ten minutes or so since we sat down. He's managed to get himself some new clothes, somewhat thicker than his old ones. He looks the part, now.

Morpheus is nowhere to be found – we know better than to go look for him. Tank's supposed to be here, but his family must be holding him up. 

So it's just Neo and me, then, waiting for Morpheus to come back for the sake of going to see the rest of our crew as… well, a crew. 

"Makes you think, doesn't it?"

"What?" I stir from my hazy recollections.

"This whole place. Zion."

"What about it?"

"Doesn't it kind of remind you? I mean, not everyone here's the greatest - they still stare through the shutters at night – but take Tank's family for example," said Neo gently, running his fingers lightly through my hair. I snuggled closer to him, smiling to myself, remembering all of Tank's two younger twin brothers and teething sister – who couldn't possibly still be teething. Biting seemed more likely. They clung on to him as if magnetically attracted. "They're all so… together. Makes you kind of wonder what happens back in the matrix, y'know, after they fished us out."

I shrug. "We left that behind."

"True." To tell the truth, Zion didn't remind me of life back in the matrix at all. Under all its realness, it actually felt even more artificial than the computer reality had ever been. 

We were quiet another few minutes before he started again. "What about you?"

I raised an eyebrow. Ever since he became the one, Neo has had this annoying belief that everyone knows what he's talking about. Like the day he burst back and he was like, I'm flying! I'm flying! And we were like, _huh_?!??

He made amends. "You must have been someone, in the matrix…"

"Well, I'm just not that someone anymore."

"Humor me, Trin. Any hobbies?"

"Hacking."

"We all knew that one. Come on. You already know all about me."

"Motorbikes." I paused a bit. "Ever wonder why nobody else throws knives?"

"Well, now that you mention it, yeah. Tank doesn't seem to have anything for knives."

"I used to like cooking. Are you happy now?"

"Cooking?"

I bit my lip to keep from laughing. He looked damn cute when he was confused. "Someone makes that goop we eat every morning."

Neo's nose wrinkled. "Someone has horrible taste."

"I'd like to see you try. The last time someone said that, the Neb starved for two whole days until Morpheus threatened to lock me up in the kitchen for the rest of the year."

"Did he really?" The corners of his mouth twitched – something I hadn't seen in days.

"Hell yeah."

"Anyone back home? Friends, family, exes you didn't tell me about?" A white swan glides dreamily across the pond.

"My dad died when I was twelve or so. No siblings. My mum… well, she'll be a ripe old sixty by now. I used to cook with her."

Neo shook his head. "I still can't imagine it. Trinity, in her bad-ass leather and a Susie Homemaker red apron on, cooking."

"Imagine it, because you're never gonna see it."

"How old are you, anyway?"

"Twenty-eight or so, I guess." I focus my attention on the swan, which disappears into a bush, promptly abandoning me. 

"Christ." He shook his head again, looking somewhat like a rumpled horse. "You don't look it."

"Morpheus found me late. I'd finished college already. I've been on board nearly six years already, though." I grimaced. "After Morpheus' ten, that's a record on the Neb."

"So you've seen 'em all come and go, I expect."

I choose not to reply and return to my dutiful observation of the swan as it remerged from the bush, a long line of cygnets trailing cheerfully behind. Family. Perhaps that was one of the concepts that Zion in general lacked the most.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against Neo's shoulder.

~*~  
  
All I can do now. I KNOW I'm messing up the ending with this. Anyway, this is NOT the last you're hearing from me. Chapter two should, repeat, SHOULD arrive shortly.


	2. Apoc

Author's lengthy notes: Wow! I never really expected response to be this good… thanks you guys, esp. Centaur, I'm absolutely honored to receive a review from you. *blushes* So, here we go, second chapter already. I've decided to kind of have fun with all the characters (but not _make fun of them), so you'll probably see the weirdest things about them. Ah well. Sorry it took so long, because halfway through – crap! – I realized I'd written half of it in 3rd person instead of 2nd person, or the other way around…_

Some swearing, a lot of *ells. You don't know how much it pains me to stick it in, but it's all about keeping the character right. Heck simply doesn't cut it. Do not use thy Lord's name in vain. 

Can someone please tell me how long Cypher's been unplugged? I think it was nine… please correct me if it's not… I need to fix a couple of age problems in chapter one, so I just repeated here with the changes. I'll fix it properly later, because I don't have the original file on this computer, long story.

~*~

"How old are you, anyway?" 

"Twenty-five or so, I guess." I focus my attention on the swan, which disappears into a bush, promptly abandoning me. 

"Christ." He shook his head again, looking somewhat like a rumpled horse. "You don't look it." 

"Morpheus found me when I was nineteen – I'd finished college already, since I went to high school unusually early. I've been on board nearly six years." I grimaced. "After nine, that's a record on the Neb."

"Someone's been here nine years already?"

"Yeah. Morpheus." I didn't tell him that Cypher had been around about nine years, too.

"So you've seen 'em all come and go, I expect."

I choose not to reply and return to my dutiful observation of the swan as it remerged from the bush, a long line of cygnets trailing cheerfully behind. Family. Perhaps that was one of the concepts that Zion in general lacked the most.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against Neo's shoulder.

~*~

Neo sensed tension and tried to change the subject. "Any friends back in the Matrix?"

"If you mean exes, no. Friends, yes. Mostly the other people who worked in the deli. I didn't mix around in college very much." A light breeze rippled the crystal waters of the pond, sending several leaves of the willow tree fluttering down. A small part of me wanted to just sit there, forever, warm in Neo's arms, never having to think about the war again, or whether the next moment would be their last…

Neo's voice cut in. "The deli?"

"I took a part-time job as chef at a local place to pay my way through college. Doesn't everybody?" I paused, smiling fondly. "Peak hours were really boring because you'd just stand there and fry your ass off most of the time, but in between major meals we'd just leave one or two people on shifts and the rest of us would head off to the back yard – this big, empty concrete box bordered off by trees. Sometimes Jed had drugs with him. He always knew where to get them. Sitting around, kicking dry leaves, getting high – that was the life. That's where we all learned to throw knives."

Neo shuddered.

"Useful skill, really, throwing knives. See, knives are a lot easier to carry than guns. Being in the kitchen teaches you a lot of good stuff. You handle knives, blood, fire, and you kill a considerable lot of stuff. Squids and all that.

"They were all actually a pretty odd bunch – all college dropouts except for me and the guy who ran the place, who was really good to us, too – he gave us free reign of the premises and adjusted shifts to fit college schedules, in my case. The best bit was he let us take back whatever food there was at the end of the day. In fact, we got all our meals there free – mum, too. The others and I used to have these great fights with the leftover live prawns on seafood Sundays." I frowned. "He did get kind of crabby if you didn't slice the eggplant thinly enough, though. 

"That's basically it, anyway. My life wasn't all that exciting. Hell, I didn't even do drugs properly, mainly because I didn't know where to get them. I took up computers in high school – figured out hacking from there. I'd managed to crack the IRS-d base about a week before I took the red pill from Morpheus. The end."

Neo chuckled. "A lot better than mine, though." He looked around. "Where the hell is everybody?"

I smiled back as seductively as I could. It didn't work quite as well as it did with the leather. "Does it really matter?"

"Hell, no." Neo closed in and kissed me softly. 

"Ever heard Apoc's story?" Neo shook his head no. "Apoc was unplugged about a month or so after I showed up. He was probably the gentlest of us Matrix-borns. He didn't even like guns. In fact," I paused for effect, "he used to be a kindergarten teacher, believe it or not." 

"Right, _now you're kidding me. Please say you're kidding me." I resisted the urge to laugh. He really did look damn sweet when he was confused._

"Nope, serious." Neo found himself lost in the blue eyes that had brightened in a way they hadn't for months. "Apoc loves little kids – nobody knows though, simply because we don't _have little kids around here." _

"_Apoc__?!!"_

I choked back another laugh. "You should have seen him in here the last time, then. He was going ga-ga over the children." I lowered my voice considerably, thinking. "Guess you never will."

Neo slowly took it in. It was still so hard to imagine they'd lost so many crew members in such a short time – he'd never even got to know them, not at all.

I continued anyway. "He was a lot of fun to watch, really. Apoc's a real gentle giant – dead patient, too. Kids used to climb all over him and pull his hair, and he didn't mind a bit. He doesn't – didn't – talk much, mostly because he just didn't like talking to adults… he was always best with kids."

"But Switch-"

Trinity's full lips twitched into a wry grin. "I'll come to that later. Apoc really seemed like an unlikely candidate at the time – even though he did have some interesting hacking skills, since he never used them. The only problem with him was that he'd accidentally gotten hold of something he shouldn't have – I don't know what exactly, even I didn't talk to him all that much. Anyway Morpheus decided that it was best to pull him out – at the time, it was only him, me and Cypher on board – we couldn't risk detection.

"He actually stretched for the blue pill at first, you know. After all, he'd had a good life, no drug or criminal records, like some of us. Good family. Something must have made him change his mind, though – I don't know. But he took the red pill in the end, and we all breathed freely. That is, until he recovered and well, pretty much went nuts. He wasn't even late, maybe twenty. We had to sedate him twenty-four-seven for nearly half a month before he calmed down. Fortunately he cheered up when we started loading programs into him, so that wasn't so bad.

"Another word for Apoc was intelligent. You know what they say about people who don't talk – they listen. He was brilliant – learned to be an operator without lessons almost immediately after he recovered." I smiled. "Not a very good one, though.

"And that's where Switch came in."

~*~

Yeah, that's the end of the chapter. I'll have Oracle trips next chapter, promise! This is sadly short simply because there wasn't much to say about Apoc, I'm afraid. Next chapter will definitely be meatier – yeah, Switch! And more Apoc. *grinz cheesily*


	3. Switch

This chapter is late for three (in honor of Trin) reasons. One, I'm working on another fic for The Matrix which you might see soon, two, I've got my hands completely full of other fics plus everyday life and three, I kept spelling Switch as Swithc, Swihct, Swicth! Urghh.

Oh yeah, Multicolored Gypsy, to tell the truth I can't imagine Trinity cooking either. Not at all. I kind of stuck that in because _I like to cook. Or rather, I cook a lot. Cooking gets to the brain after a while. *munches on chocolate chip shortbread*_

Thanks to Netball Freak for unknowingly being such a good model for Swithc, no, _Switch. Chord, Netball Freak here doesn't smile all too much, so we'll see how this chapter goes… hee._

~*~

"Switch's case is nearly a perfect model of the kind of person we like to unplug. She grew up with her parents, loving music, but her mother died shortly after Switch turned eighteen. Her bed-ridden father was nearly blind, or deaf, or disabled in some way or other, and he depended on her to bring home the bacon after that. Switch dropped school and took up a job as vet's assistant somewhere. It brought in enough to support her and her father, anyway. That's all I heard about her life before we stepped in and screwed it all up."

"And how many little bunnies did she squeeze the life out of?" Neo rolled his eyes.

"And that's where you're wrong. Switch really liked animals."

"Switch and music and animals. That's even worse than Apoc." Neo's tone was somewhat off-center.

"To tell you the truth, Neo, very few of us were die-hard drug addicts and criminals. That kind of person isn't suitable for resistance work." I shook my head. 

"After a while she pretty much transformed into an animal activist, Switch. No fur, no way. One of the other members brought her into the world of hacking, and soon she was in every webpage which sold meat and fur, or tested their products on animals."

"Always did think there was something fishy about those types."

I paused a while, thinking. "Switch was actually the hardest to pull out, after you. And the funny thing was, we weren't thinking of pulling her out at all, really. It's almost funny, really." 

"Funny?"

"See, combing the Matrix for potentials is the most grueling work involving computers in the Neb – staring at screens all day just looking. It's hard to judge a person just by their appearance, or, technically, their Matrix code…"

"Blonde, brunette, redhead…" mused Neo dryly. "I think I see your point."

"There are lots of different factors you need to consider too: knowledge, foresight, will, personality, and endurance, just to name a few. After we spent a while with Apoc, Morpheus added another to that long, long list – _rage." I stopped to massage an achy crick in my neck – God knew how long we'd sat there, waiting for Tank and Morpheus. I was beginning to worry about them, them pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and mentally locked them in place there. It was no good worrying; Zion was as safe a place as we could get to, and the people weren't all that bad. Most simply stayed away from 'plugheads' like us, though, and you could hardly blame them. The bright side was it kept off the pickpockets lurking in the bad parts of town where we went to stock the really powerful illegal painkillers and sell off scrap metal. Neo slid back slightly in the bench to allow me slightly more room to breathe._

I was even beginning to wonder if they'd sent us here on purpose, especially if Tank romantic side had suddenly kicked in. I couldn't help but silently curse their choice of venue, even as a waiting spot. So many memories flooded in…

Maybe it was time to bail them out. Lighten the load. Sink or save the sinking ship.

"Go on." The velvety doe brown of his eyes turned the improper sentence into novels. Suddenly I thought how lucky I was to have him…

~*~

"Like I said, we weren't thinking of Switch at all. Morpheus had his eye focused on her friend, the one who taught her hacking in the first place – name was Tessa, or something like that. None of us liked the looks of her – loud, boisterous. Unfortunately she possessed plenty of good qualities – most of the above – and she was a damn headstrong cow. Which is a good thing here, if you noticed."

"What, being a stubborn bovine is useful?" teased Neo.

I chose to ignore him. "We were about to make the final choice – we were all gathered around the monitor squinting at the coding, watching a demonstration Tessa was heading. You know how a demonstration is, don't you?" 

Neo nodded briefly. "Crowds of angry people, am I right?"

"Sufficiently."

"Uh huh."

"Think of those crowds of angry people squashed on a screen in bright green lines. It was scrolling so fast that it was like watching a marathon on fast forward. Morpheus was constantly pointing at one tiny strip of code dancing around that was Tessa-"

Neo fought to keep his face straight. "Is that why the screen is dented so much?"

I snorted. "Not everyone lived like you did – one guy in the middle of a room with no room to swing a cat."

"Thanks."

"And then Apoc saw this other code suddenly, and he pointed it out, saying, 'Morpheus, what's that?' We zoomed in…"

"So that was Switch?" 

"No, it was Christopher Columbus."

"So it was Switch."

I laughed, knowing full well that some of this was all his attempt to make me smile. "Yes, that was Switch, and she was a damn lot finer than that idiot. Morpheus wanted a closer look at her, of course, and he told us that he was going to do an all-nighter at the screen. 

"And then Apoc got up, and said, 'Morpheus, I'll do it. Get some rest.' Something of the sort.

"None of us slept that night, ironically. Everything echoes in the Neb, and you could hear Morpheus pacing round and round his room, too worried for his new recruit to rest in case something happened to him. Cypher-" I swallowed. "Cypher made up various excuses and crept around the room all night hunting for diskettes and files. His favorite excuse was that he was hungry… he dragged me down the kitchen at least four times that night insisting that he didn't know where the gruel was kept.

I bit at my lip, swallowing _hard. "He used that excuse a lot, you know, even after you came. The kitchen's the best spot for listening into private conversations."_

"He… _changed, didn't he."_

I really hadn't meant to come here. Not this far into the past. 

"He... well, he was less sarcasm and more humor back then." I licked my lips but found my mouth and throat completely dry. Softly, I added, "He was really one of the good guys, you know." Pause. "At least, at the beginning."

"I know."

The 'sun' peeped out in the sky, casting hard, slanting chrome rays. Zion had done a good job with their sky – well, whatever it was. At any rate, it worked well enough to grow real plants. I shifted on the bench – it was too warm for close contact – and settled for squeezing his hand. Neo gently ran the pad of his thumb over my palm, and I felt shivers even in the warm sunlight. The pond rippled.

_If we should make our own heaven…_

~*~

"There was this look in Apoc's eyes the whole night, completely different from the gaunt, sunken one. He didn't move from his chair the whole night, except twice to use the bathroom and for more water from the kitchen. I went to my room at this point, but I think Cypher stayed. As for Morpheus – well, he paced pretty much the whole night. The next morning, Apoc was a running documentary on Switch's entire life – most of what you heard was from what he told us that day, and there are holes because I was so tired that I couldn't pay proper attention."

"You get _tired?"_

Smiling faintly, I replied, "Good for you, because Apoc talked on for four straight hours at least. He was actually excited for the first time we'd seen - he looked like a kid about to meet Santa Claus. Even if Switch hadn't been the right candidate, I think Morpheus would've unplugged her anyway, just to get Apoc to shut it.

"It was easy to get Switch – we hooked her quick. In less than two _weeks we'd gotten her on the Neb, easy as you please."_

Neo frowned. "But if she was as dedicated to her life, and her music and bunnies and all, she couldn't have taken Morpheus' little speech all that well, right?"

"I'm sure Morpheus warned you about unplugging a person late."

"He said, 'The mind has trouble letting go. I've seen it before and I-' but Switch wasn't late, was she?"

"That didn't stop her." Neo was quiet. "Switch – Switch simply _exploded. We had to keep her drugged blotto to keep her under control." I broke off. "You know, at the time, Morpheus didn't have a second-in-command, but we did have an equivalent." Pause. _

"_Cypher?"_

"He assigned Apoc the task of keeping Switch under control – like punishment for fishing her out in the first place." 

"Let me guess. That's how they hit it off?" 

"Guess so. Call it yin and yang – whatever it means."

Neo's forehead creased, as it usually did when he was thinking hard. I admitted to myself that he was cute when he did that too, really. That is, when he wasn't thinking of some jack-ass suicidal mission. "I suppose it lucky they went together, too." His voice was quiet, so quiet that I scarcely heard it.

I put in abruptly. "Switch and I were close, you know. Battle of the sexes. There was only the two of us, and it got harder as the others joined…"

"And left, like now." His voice was full of a bitterness that I've never heard before.

But we both ran dry there. 


End file.
